just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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