Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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