i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
