Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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