On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
