Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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