I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
