I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
