When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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