I want to have your abortion
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
