She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
