highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
