Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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