I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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