My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
