I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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