so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
