when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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