Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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