Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
