No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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