she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize