Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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