omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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