Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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