apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize