I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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