did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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