I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
