I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
