Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm so fucking centered right now
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
