I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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