She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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