who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
