yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
