Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
