I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
