Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
