if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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