You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
