Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
