Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
