so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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