Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
