Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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