i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
