wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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