I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
