I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
