Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
