So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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