roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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