I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
