Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
