bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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