You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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