Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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