Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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