Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize